"The law says you can't hunt with hounds - it doesn't say anything about hunting with battleships!"

(NB - just realised I need to go; I'll post a new pic later unless someone else wants to)

"The Temperance Circle suddenly discovered what all the fuss was about"

(No reason we shouldn't go with yours!)

******

As he prepared to board the waiting transport Fallschirmjäger Helmut was still uneasy, despite all his Kommandant's assurances. Silk shortage or not, a parachute still felt safer, he reckoned.

"Damn Russians and their satellites!"


******

Thou will have an errand, Sir Lancelot? Right, get thee down to Ye Olde Sainsbury's and see what you can find from this lot wot Guinevere's written out. Oh, and 20 Rothmans for me too if you don't mind ...

In celebration of the discovery of the grave of their hero, The Richard III Society release a deptiction of his death at the hands of Henry VII. Entitled, The Death of England's Hope at the Hands of The Evil Welsh Lowbred Usurper Tyrant.

George sighed inwardly. Twenty years as an assistant in Rutherford's Photographers, using everything from rubber ducks to stupid fancy dress just to get little bitch and bastard offspring of bigger bitches and bastards to "smile for the camera" at least long enough to snap their unbearably smug, spoiled little mushes. The tantrums. The smell of pee. Oh, the indignity of it all ...

... no, this would be the last, he resolved. Tonight, the warm bath, the brandy, the razor blade, sweet oblivion .........

... inside the panda suit he smiled for the first time in years ...

Known to his Vikings friends as 'Rambo' but to his enemies as 'Lambi', history remember Kettle the Farsighted as one of the great patrons of metallurgy.

City Flashlights cinema manager Rod Grubbs (pictured centre) said he now regrets placing an ad in the Sydney Herald announcing New South Wales' first drive-in cinema and encouraging punters to "Get in early to get the best view". "We meant after we had converted the cinema of course," he admitted. "Could've made it clearer. Stupid drongos round here. I should have known."

Mmm, the perfect man. Adjustable to suit every occasion and mood.

Now what will I wear?

And forty years on many of them would be grateful for Allergy.co.uk.

Mary Q of S: "It's coming to me, Henry. The solution to 3 down in this morning's crossword!"
Darnley: "Blessed be your intellectuals, your majesty darling! What was the clue again?"
M Q of S: "Descriptive of a snot one just can't flick from one's finger after picking one's nose, Henry. Ten letters, beginning with O."
D: "Oh yes! Is it not 'obdjewrate' then?"
M Q of S: "No, my love. It's 'obKnoxious'!"
D: "Brilliant, my sweet. How on earth did you come by it now?"
M Q of S: "I don't know, honeybunch. It was almost as if I saw an apparition of the answer in this very room!"

A very young Leatherface at his home in Texas, before graduating to the chainsaw.

M'Lud, may I present item number 9 in evidence, a photograph of the deceased inventor, Mr Edward Prump, taken just hours before this long-time aspirant to innovation's murder. Now take a close look at the face of the accused, his wife Mrs Gladys Prump, and you will not need the benefit of my learned counsel to attribute motive in this case.

Would the University of Leicester never learn?

It was good of them to allow the remains to be sent up to York for the first leg of the Strictly Come Richard UK Tour, but was all this unseemly razzmatazz entirely necessary?

Sir Grafton Elliot Smith (pointing): Arthur, in my learned opinion you should apply the superglue just there!
Sir Arthur Keith (in white coat): Thank you, Ellie, you are right. Using a stapler on Dunstable Man gave the whole game away, didn't it? This Piltdown Man must be done just right!
Sir Charles Dawson (smiling at rear): Good thinking using a baboon skull this time, boys. I take back the zebra suggestion.

(sniggers all round)

Some people believe that Holbein's portrait of Sir Simon Simeon includes a secret relating to the fate of Edward Plantagenet, Son of Clarence. The masked infant figure is believed to be reference to the said Earl of Warwick rumoured to have been adopted by Simeon who then spirited him away overseas. Some argue that the lone tree hill suggests that he was sent to the Levant while others point to the setting sun as proof that he went to the Americas.

Fred turned round and surveyed his handiwork from beneath the shade of his pith helmet. Shooting and stuffing the buggers had been great fun. Especially the humans.

Stan was utterly depressed. Legia Warszawal get beaten 5-1 by Dynamo Moscow in the first round of the UEFA Cup Winners' Cup 1514 - and no one gives a damn!

Decided to get rid of Nero sulking because mum wouldn't promise to get him an iPad 5 and offer this instead:

Young Vladimir eyed the elders closely, trying desperately not to let his features betray his absolute loathing for the old fools. Who did they think they were - electing a drunk like Yeltsin to lead the Silly Hat Committee? Couldn't they see a born leader in their midst? A hero? A tough guy? A man with the hugest hat?

A leaky colon eh? Let's see how leaky it is after I finish with him.

Crayfish: "Did no-one ever tell you young lady that pouring hot custard over a slice of fruit toast is extremely cruel."

Hawk: "Oh the inhumanity! I can't bear to watch."

"Wickham, so you are going to the Lucases' fancy dress ball as a question mark! What a charming idea!"

The candidates for "Bloodsucking Leech of the Year 2013" waited nervously backstage for the results.

Hobbit twin sisters, Rose and Rosetta Cotton take Peter Jackson, director of The Lord of the Rings trilogy of films, to court for miss-representation. "It's not the stupid rubber feet we object to, nor the fact that we have both been simply distilled together into Sam Gamgee's 'love interest', it's just the actress's constant hideous smile that we find so un-natural."

The case continues.

Don't worry - Uncle Richard will look after me!

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Kid on the walkway: "Oi mister! Watcha readin'?"
Man sitting down: "Your obituary."
Face at window: "Hey buddy. Got a match?"
Man sitting down: "Yeah. My arse your face."