US Ambassador Heidi Shicklescheidt presents her credentials to Prince Hu Tha Fokis-Hee upon arriving in Pong Pu and demonstrates that the American constitution in book form along with a pancake can be balanced just as well on candlesticks as the local constitution (written on a fried egg with sunny side up) can.

Mummmmeeeee, Herbert is doing another one! Phew..

Dorothy sat dejectedly down onto the Yellow Dirt Road and sighed. "I don't care what you say," she pouted to her new companions, "there's just something darned wrong with all this!"

Isaac furtively checked that he himself wasn't being watched, then silently uncovered the spy-hole he had labouriously cut into the wall of Dorothy the milkmaid's adjacent bedchamber. "Now this is what I call optics", he chuckled to himself, "let's see how those heavenly bodies are revolving tonight!".

Felicity trusted Frank implicitly. He would surely not have lied to her, would he, when he said he had already tested his new pre-patent electric nasal decongestant machine on his laboratory rats with great success. But yet, as her eyes followed the electric cable out of the window, across the garden fence outside and up into the lofty heights of the national grid pylon upon which Frank was now perched, plug in hand and grinning broadly, a terrifying prospect began to form itself in her mind ...

Following DNA testing of their "Olde Englishe" line of ready-meals, Tesco have admittted that these traditional products might contain some non-standard additives, but hasten to add that they were all made using, "authentic documented methods and ingredients to give that uniquely mediaeval taste".

While Millicent went off to collect even more of those incredibly tasty little mushrooms they had found earlier, Mortimer and Percy debated the strange apparition beside them. Mortimer claimed it was a three legged mammoth. Percy disagreed, and privately reckoned he was getting the better of the deal ...

Egcbert's attempts to dance Gangnam Style became increasingly frantic.

Edward learned the hard way that if you're going to tuck a cigarette behind your ear, it's best to make sure it's out first.

****

Are you jealous Sir Roland?

Beat me to it ID, we obviously have equally manky minds.

"Stupid varlet, you have punctured him. Now I must hie me back to Anne Summers in the morning."

Every day from dawn to dusk Emily was to be found on the strand looking forlornly out to sea, awaiting her lover's return. That's the worst thing about falling in love with a pilchard.

A newly discovered mediaeval French book the Roman d'Adelaïs en Outreterre by a little known 14th century court clerk causes a sensation among literary historians by exposing Lewis Carroll's plagiarism.

Having finally emptied the Churchill coffers by gross expenditure on high living, the ex pm, reduced to his last cigar, circulates amongst a sympathetic crowd to receive donations towards restocking his wine cellar.

Willy's first day as a new member at the Bexhill Naturist Society had been going quite well, he reckoned, but then the whole experience was rather spoiled when the flower arranging lesson commenced.

The meat shortage in London at Christmas led to mile long queues, and unseemly behaviour as the desperate vied for whatever they could get for the table.

In public Elizabeth could normally pass for fully human except for having 8 fingers on her right hand, 3 of which were metallic. She loved her grandmother dearly but as grannie was a Martian Spider, Elizabeth tended to avoid reference to her in the company of strangers unless asked.

Tristram and Lancelot always looked forward to their chimney sweeping forays deep into the New Forest with Squire Richard.

Albertus resolved to invent a timing device to limit how long a player could delay between moves since Franciscus had been swithering for several years now.

Pumping air into her mistress's ding-dong after sucking dung-beetles while out in the African savannah was what made life worth living, thought young Ageltrude to herself. Even better - this time it was her turn on the dildopotamus!

Amazingly, the guards at St Helena never noticed the switch.

******

Dr Livingstone's demonstration of the only zoophilic position approved by the Church of Scotland made a deep impression on the denizens of Lake Tanganyika. Statuettes of the "Ikati-Intombazana" are still popular in Bantu churches and joke-shops to this day.

Our beefburgers are 100% prime British/Angus beef, yessiree.

Now who'll say me neigh?

The 'who can sit the longest without moving' competition was into it's 3rd day before contestants began to show the strain. Toward the close of the day, local business owner Mr A McDonald was caught attempting to reach for his watch and B team was declared the losers by the adjudicator.

Thereby beginning an undignified scramble of contestants into the surrounding shrubbery, and shorty after many sighs of relief were clearly audible to the spectators.

Miss Millicent Membury-Browne, riding Flatus, a chestnut brown gelding, looked set to take all the show-jump prizes at the local gymkhana - until she was ignominiously disqualified for having added curried baked beans and into his feed, which was deemed to have given unauthorised supplementary lift.

Supporters of the cult of Calvin Klein being escorted to the town square where they will face the ritualised punishment of the wedgie, before being put to the stake.

Monsieur Pierre Coincé launched himself down the Academy's Grand Escalier while Docteur Jean De Crotte watched his progress from behind. De Crotte might not always employ the most orthodox treatments, he knew, but the chronically constipated young Coincé - like all his patients - would be grateful to him in the end!