Billy and Ricky's project for class "Why We Love Our Mummy" had suddenly taken a very sinister turn ...

"I'm a big game hunter. No really I am, don't laugh. This 'ere is just the bait. It's the huge alligators I'm after."

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Zephyr: Shall I tell her standing in a huge shell does make her bum look enormous?

Aura: Yeah, go on - the stupid cow obviously loves herself. Who does she think she is - bloody Venus or something?

Ernest Williard fforthington-Smythe: Our little Cecil is ever so clever at holding his breath under water, isn't he dear?
Cressida Wilamender fforthington-Smyth: Ever so, darling husband. Clever like his father, I would say! How long has it been now?
Ernest Williard fforthington-Smythe: I do believe it's three whole days now, Cressy my love!

The "War in Heaven", mentioned in Revelation 12:7, has been a subject much discussed by academics and theologians. What triggered this terrible cosmic conflict is a question that has never been satisfactorily answered.

Lucifer's rebellion has been attributed to a number of motives, all of which stem from his great pride. These motives include:

1) A refusal to bow down to mankind on the occasion of the creation of man as in the Armenian, Georgian, and Latin versions of the Life of Adam and Eve. A similar view is held in Islamic tradition, in which Iblis refuses to bow down to Adam.

2] The culmination of a gradual distancing from God through use of free will (an idea of Origen of Alexandria).

3) A declaration by God that all were to be subject to his Son, the Messiah (as in Milton's Paradise Lost).

4) Ali Bin Nasser's disastrous error in allowing the Hand of God goal which put England out of the World Cup. Lucifer's mob just weren't having it and who can blame them?

"To Pee Or Not To Pee? That Is The Question!"

We've all been there ...

Corporal Thomas always sighed when the order came to "switch to manual" because the electric cable had popped out ... again:

"Say what you like about the old diesels - but they were a lot less bovver than a hovver".

Janice was not an adventurous eater and on the menu 'Birds Custard Trifle' had seemed innocuous enough ... but she vowed this was the last time she would eat at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant.


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"Ennemi à côté! Ok, braves fils de France, la France s'attend à ce que chaque homme accomplisse son ...

... merde! Oublie ça! Nous abandonnons!

Calling hmself sister Mary-Michael, Reginald had remained hidden in the convent of the Blessed Sisters of Saint Incontinentia for several months, until he was outed when sister Beatrice suggested they all compare belly-buttons.

I say young man, looking up a women's skirt is awfully rude.

As the third Abraham Lincoln Memorial 'Mr America' Contest entered the swimsuit round, Vernon Klackenheimer Jr. chewed the stem of his pipe and fretted about the star-spangled trimming on his maillot. He hoped it would be seen as suitably patriotic but was worried that it might just look a bit camp.

Hieronymus was beginning to realise that ignoring the "Best Before" date on that Mestemache Organic German Style Artisan Whole Rye bread had perhaps been a bit of a mistake.

PS Love the kettle.

Dr Hippocraticus had a subtle but effective way of asking children where they had been intellectually abused.

Nigel Kennedy's reputation as the abrasive bad-boy of classical music came to an abrupt end when he suddenly and unexpectedly announced he was retiring to an unusual religious order, and that henceforth he was to be known as Sister Cecilia.


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Royal Ascot Ladies Day Style Guide, 1775.
1. Wear as stupid a hat as you can balance on your equally ludicrous barnet.
2. Annoy the f*ck out of any small children found in the enclosure by holding their toys just out of reach.
3. Be as liberal with the botox as with the cleavage display.
(as far as I can make out only one of these rules has been relaxed in modern times ....)

Although lockdown was officially over, Gary was having great trouble persuading Dennis that it was now safe to put the wheels back on their trusty tandem: after so long exercising together on the one spot, the open road had somehow lost its attraction for his friend...

Following Palmerston's retirement, PM Johnson greets the surprise replacement for the Foreign Office mouser's job, and dismisses as ridiculous all the Civil Service fears about covert influence by hostile foreign powers into the very heart of government.

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Howard Carter's nephew Alf Brittain knew only too well that the so-called "Curse of King Tut" was anything but fanciful woo-woo nonsense - keeping the undead bastard topped up with single malt on the annual anniversary of the "great discovery" was costing the family a bloody arm and a leg ....


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Mrs Neptune: - "I said could you pop down to the shops and get me a White Eyeliner. You know, like Twiggy used to wear in the 1960s. It's back in vogue now."

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Dervish: (With knife concealed within turban) If I wait until they both fall asleep I can probably get myself a free fur coat ...
Leo: If we wait until he falls asleep we definitely get ourselves a nice dinner ...

Marcus Aurelius: Expectations of outcome may be based on equal logic, but for a predicted outcome to be accurate then it must also be based on reality.

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'He said: "mes soldats, you are like my children", blah blah, "I share every privation with you", blah blah. "I shall always sleep, eat, fight and suffer alongside you all, mes braves", blah, blah, blah ... But he won't bloody share his last Rollos will he, oh no? I dunno where he keeps 'em but they must be hidden somewhere about him because he's always chewing with that smug, secret smile. I tell you Ney, all I've had since Borodino is some out-of-date turnip-flavoured Russian gumdrops!'

'Mon ami, all I've 'ad since we left France is les Wrigleys ... an' ah do not mean ze chewing gum'

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1964: London Metropolitan Police. The newly established Drug Squad's first undercover investigation into psychedelic drugs didn't quite go according to plan ...

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