"Oi, Fred. These ear goggles is bloody great, isn't they?"
"You said it, Bert. I can hear dem huns chattering as if dey was right in front of us!"
"Oi, Fred?"
"Yer?"
"Dey is bloody in front of us!"
"Flippin' 'eck, Bert. Right, let's just act nonchalant. Give 'em a smile and we'll let on we're listening to Radio Luxembourg. 'Um Lili Marlene for christ's sake!"
"Shit! I only knows it in English."
"'We'll 'um it wiff a German accent den - dey don't have no ear goggles on. Maybe dey won't notice ..."

German cinema audiences realised the war was not going well and that their country was running desparately short of resources, when they finally got to see Joseph Goebbels' long-awaited re-make of the sword-and-sandals epic "Ben Hur" – released in 1945 as "Ich bin Herr Jude". The famous chariot race scene in particular was a great disappointment

The advertising campaign for Chanel No 1, for some strange reason, not only failed to boost sales but led to such a drop that No's 2, 3 and 4 were also fated to bomb.

The Secretary of State for Defence has denied that there are any plans to use an early Village People music video, In the Army, for a new UK recruiting campaign.

"But it is a personal favourite," he added.

What Thatcher is listening to:
Maggie's Headset

What Reagan is listening to:
Ronnie's Headset

Having trouble with blocked bogs? Well throw away that useless plunger, remove a load from your shoulders and know you can now sit in peace with the Poop Puffer. Gently shifts even the most stubborn obstructions.

Vatican City's support team for next year's Giro d'Italia are already in training .....

Newly released footage from a hidden security camera proves that suspected degenerate Uncle T did indeed spy on woman using the toilets in local bars.

Vienna, 1910. Sigmund Freud demonstrates his revolutionary treatment for schizophrenia. This early version did not catch on.

Trick or Treat?

Due to heavily decreased military budgets in crisis hit EU countries, Brussels has released a suggested option for defence.

Sister Euphonia''s introduction of aromatic aniseed into the laundry process at the convent had initially met with great popularity amongst her fellow postulants. However within a matter of days the drawbacks suddenly became obvious.

Jacques Dupont the CEO of Michelin-Speciale surveys the wreckage of his 4-year project in the full knowledge that the contract to provide hub caps for the next Monster Truck Rally would almost certainly go to rivals Goodyear-Dunlop or Bridgestone.

Liuetenant Pilkington-Smythe: Ah, Lady Bruckshite! Welcome to Margate. Like the rest of us this season it is a place to which you have been inevitably drawn!

Lady Bruckshite: Indeed, sir. And like the rest of you, very badly!

The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organisation (BFRO) recently released difinitive proof that Bigfoot did indeed exist, and was an integral part of communities.

Mr Jones at number 23, the first of Chang and Jang's morning deliveries, never quite figured out the reason behind those brown skid-marks on the Daily Mail's front page.

The lads in the Paint Shop Lottery Syndicate could scarcely bear to look. Just one more number and the Euromillions jackpot would be theirs!

Master, if you will just let me look! I'm sure your sword will prove to be the larger and there will be no need to take on so.

While the menfolk were on their shift in the local beans factory, Monday was the day Milly and Joan tackled the outside loo.

Dobby the House-elf had been a very intimate aquaintance of Hermione Granger many years before either of them knew Harry Potter. But while "Hogwarts - A History", somehow fails to ever mention it, "The Daily Prophet" had very carefully kept all the negatives.

Zyrfrd Bmblbrx from the Planet Zetoid (in his human guise as Miss Mary Pilkington-Smothers) chortled with inner delight that he had yet again managed to smuggle his trusty UFO into the earthlings' ball-thingy.

The Annual Border Games got underway with a tug of war contest between Mexico and the USA. With both sides evenly matched the contest was still at a deadlock by the close of the first day. Games organisers are said to be providing blankets and hot food for the combatants during the night.

Which twin has the Toni?

Early Franco-British attempts to rival the commercial success of Boeing's "Clipper" flying boat proved to be a tad optimistic.

Long distance and overseas telephone calls became that much easier with the invention of the portable aerial. Simply place the receiver/transmitter in mouth and you'll be amazed at the clarity of your conversation anywhere in the world.

Manufacturers reccommend that this device not be used during electrical storms.

Burying Dogs - The Woodhouse Way

An embarrassing incident on his uncle’s Kentucky farm gave the young colonel Saunders the initial idea, although he was urged to adopt the slogan, "Finger-lickin’ good!" in place of his original, "Pecker- peckin’ good!"