Monsieur Pierre Coincé launched himself down the Academy's Grand Escalier while Docteur Jean De Crotte watched his progress from behind. De Crotte might not always employ the most orthodox treatments, he knew, but the chronically constipated young Coincé - like all his patients - would be grateful to him in the end!

Tired of that sagging skin?
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Athens 450BCE, and members of the world's first Colostomy Bag Enthusiasts Society assemble for their monthly meeting at the Temple of Apourhymon.

Having observed the success of collectable cards in packets of cigarettes, tea and sweets, the Women’s Humane Anti-caffeine Teetotal Anti-smoking Puritanical Institute for a Sugar-free Society (WHATAPISS) – motto: “Manners maketh Woman”, tried to improve society with a series of collectable cards attached to their range of bottled vegetable-flavoured flat spring water … but neither cards nor the water went down well with the general public.

No, no, NO!!! Columbus, the world does not have two moons, and nor is it conical! Get out and come back when you've something sensible to propose!

Adam West with the prototype for the new Batmobile, the Batphant or more affectionately called the Batphart. Features include, greener fuel, 4 on the floor, extendable trunk with wrap around capability and controlled carbon monoxide blasts for increased propulsion.

Little known Britsh history, #35

60CE. After months of tracking them across the wilds of Britannia, Roman general Gaius Suetonius Paulinus finally corners the British druids in their secret lair, Turres Altonibus.

Jeremiah explained to the court that mother had wanted a face lift and so, as a birthday treat, the siblings had obliged.

1500BCE. Before the Mongols, before the Huns, even long before Vandals or Goths came rampaging in from the east, Europe cowered in fear while the dreaded Jackdaws massed in the Steppe lowlands.

(Media leek) - Failed contestants from cable television's reality Onion Peeling Show gather backstage to be interviewed at the end of the broadcast:

"That's shallot for this episode. Tune in next time with presenters Rob Scallion and Jess Garlick for more fab allium action."

I'm sorry sir, but mine is definitely bigger than yours!

Horace Mainwaring-Smythe's proposal for an annual inter-varsity aquatic race was abandoned when the committee couldn't decide whether his chosen transport was a moose or an elk. Instead they opted for an even more ridiculous idea: 16 large men would row 2 small boys with megaphones up the Thames and pretend that this was a significant sporting event. Unbelievably a section of the population fell for this.

Frank knew that he was edging closer to the abyss of despair. It was bad enough that the brother-in-law was drinking them out of house and home, that he had married a woman who thought raw chicken a delicacy, that the baby's incontinence was causing bad odour in every sense with the gay couple next door, that the grant application for a fireplace had been turned down yet again - but losing the entire roof in last night's gale ...

I was sure that I didn't leave any evidence behind. Ha, those that say I did away with those little brats can keep whistling in the wind.

An evil grin flickered across Molly's features on the way home after collecting the brand new "runabout" that pop had promised would be hers on her graduation. Slow disembowelment versus multiple stabbing - how can a girl decide?

"Have you seen the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man? Have you seen the muffin man who lives down Drury Lane?"

"Yeah - he's a complete ****ing weirdo."

Scenes we'd love to have seen #735

President Windsor gives a formal farewell salute to the enemies of the people as they are lined up against the wall following the revolution.

Lincoln: That thing's not real, is it? I'm allergic to laurel.

Deleted.

Oh dear, the mind boggles!!

Hi Gran,

Boggling at poor old Socrates (now also deleted) or at the possible content of the message (deleted) above?

Nothing in the least worth a boggle, Gran, I'm afraid; but, alas, 'tis a wicked, censorious world and I found myself reprimanded yesterday evening for posting what I thought was a really interesting Renaissance picture. No one here, I hasten to add, was disapproving, or, if they were, nothing was said. Apparently, so I was informed, offence could have been given by Lucas de Heere's stunning portrait of Henri III's mignons. Not to me certainly: I thought the three boys looked incredible - they certainly could have given Andrej Pejic a run for his money, and the picture rather proved that gender bending with style is nothing new. I really shouldn't let these things bother me, but I do - no hurt or offence was intended to anyone.

Got rid of Socrates too - found an image more suitable for a (quite chilly despite the sunshine) Bank Holiday Sunday.

Milly and Florence, ahead of their first ever holiday abroad, ignored the sneers of neighbours as they practised for the forthcoming cruise from Birkenhead to the Isle of Man.

Oh dear Temp, who found your triple portrait liable to cause offence? I also thought it lovely and was trying to think of an appropriate caption when the three beautiful boys disappeared and were replaced by the much less - at least visually - attractive old Socrates. Then I started mulling over why and to whom he was offering 'the finger' and now he's gone and it's two rather miserable refugees from a temperance rally.

I'm easily confused these days, this moving picture show isn't helping. And I can't think of a witty caption.


edit - oh good, they're back.

Hi ferval,

Yes, Socrates was offering "the finger", wasn't he? I wonder what Freud would say as to my choosing that particular alternative image last night?

I was going to offer: "Shut up, Walliams, you ugly, old cow," for a caption, but I won't. I'm rather hoping MM will show up with something much wittier.

PS Thank you, nordmann, for re-posting the de Heere picture. You and ferval have cheered me up no end.

Did this grizzled old badger hear his name mentioned...?

I'm also much intrigued as to why exactly that picture of Henri III's good-looking lads was thought offensive ... please do tell, Temp ... I really cannot see why anyone, of whatever creed, colour or persuasion, could seriously find a simple portrait of three beloved sons, offensive.

Just a an aside, my mother used to have a set of ear-rings exactly like those of the lad at furthest right: each, a simple cross of four garnets, with a tiny fifth central stone, and all set in yellow gold (mum's were a bit bent too!). I guess my sister has them now. Garnet was very much in vogue in the renaissance I believe, symbolic of blood and mortality and all that.

But I too have no caption, as yet .....


EDIT : Ah ... having just read up on Henri III I now see what you mean ferval in your following post. I should have realised when Temp referred to them as Les Mignons!

Ermmm, although they were no doubt the beloved sons of their fathers, I don't believe that they were Henri's boys in that sense. Perhaps Temp's disapproving friend found that disturbing, if so that's their problem.

ferval wrote:

Perhaps Temp's disapproving friend found that disturbing, if so that's their problem.

No, nothing like that, ferval. It was simply suggested - rather sharply unfortunately - that posting such an image on a thread for jokey captions was inappropriate. On sober reflection - in the cold light of two dawns - I suppose it was a fair point. I just found it such an interesting picture, but I really should have put it on the History of Art thread.

But let us move swiftly on:

Francois: This bodice is killing me. How do the girls breathe in these things?

Guillaume: You think this is bad? Wait till next week - he wants us all in mermaid costumes for the "French Sirens Defeat English Sea Dogs" masque.

Maisie looked down at Reverend Hortense and the congregation pleading with her to jump. It was at this point that she suddenly became sure the Ankle-Baptist Litoral Brotherhood of Sagaponack wasn't really the church for her.

Some of Lucas de Heere's family are arrested after mounting a counter-protest to the initial protest at the inclusion of his Triple Profile portrait on the Great Historical Captions Challenge.

They had hoped to cash in handsomely on a lucrative advertising deal for their laundry product:

"There's no need for your ruff to be rough with GhentSoft April Fresh Conditioner. Thanks Mom!"