Kim  Wong-un's mum tried to get five-a-day down the little b*stard all in one go, but he wasn't having it. Had the fruit been battered and deep-fried á l'écosse, the exasperated parent would no doubt have succeeded.

The Village People (original line-up circa 1919) photographed in Versailles on a European tour promoting the single that was to remain a record 94 years at number one in Saudi Arabia, "No Woman No Drive".

"Why, Miss Jones, without your glasses you've missed something.What a pity you're still not beautiful"

Ms. P Langley was caught on University security cameras last night making away the facial re-construction of Richard III. A reward has been posted for anyone with information which will lead to the whereabouts of Ms Langley and the recovery of University property.

The annual descent from the mountain to his winter pastures always terrified Johann the schaf. Luckily however shepherd Jürgen was at hand to provide him with some Dutch Courage.

"Really, Mr Google, I don't think there is any need for the mobile phone yet - and probably never will be"

Mr Arkwright of Lower Barthwaite farm, Craven, shows off his tamworth-collie cross: "I always wondered why pig were ‘anging around kennel, and now I knows. But I blame myself - instead of flea-powder I accidentally sprayed dog with boar-mate!".

Meles meles wrote:

Mr Arkwright of lower Barthwaite farm, Craven, shows off his tamworth-collie cross: "I always wondered why pig were ‘anging around kennel, and now I knows. But I blame myself - in stead of flea-powder I accidentally sprayed dog with boar-mate!".

  

 

Rio, Kenzo and Braison*, the terrors of Year 5 at Our Lady of Mercy Primary School, Canterbury, always anxious to offer themselves as worthy possible future recipients of a coveted ASBO award, decided to spend Friday night finding a new way into a local old building.


*Braison is a name that is apparently becoming very popular for the offspring of the undeserving poor. It sounds rather like a slow-cooker for cheap meat cuts.

This is supposed to be 807 x 515 pixels, but all the pictures I send are coming out tidgy. Sorry. No time now to keep fiddling with it.

Temperance wrote:

This is supposed to be 807 x 515 pixels, but all the pictures I send are coming out tidgy. Sorry. No time now to keep fiddling with it.

That's what all the boyz say about their intimate self-pics on Gaydar, Mandate and other "chat" sites.


 

  


Sorry, I'm lowering the tone yet again. 

But I was a bit miffed at your comment, Temp, on the Nord's 'Xartis Psyxis' thread about us not being witty enough. I thought we here were often quite witty ...

... or at least half-witty!


And so, having diverted the thread yet again, I'm now off to my habitual place at the naughty pillar!  

Now stop fishing for compliments, MM; you are extremely witty, as you well know.

I meant the Nord's wit doesn't come through in his Xartis Thingy story. Perhaps it's just very subtle and I am missing it.

You don't have to go to the Naughty Pillar today - your photo comment made me laugh so much that you are excused for diverting the thread.

Temperance wrote:

This is supposed to be 807 x 515 pixels, but all the pictures I send are coming out tidgy. Sorry. No time now to keep fiddling with it.

By mid afternoon Charles Rumbles was regretting his indulgence in a full English breakfast when fellow guests began looking for an escape route from the house.

People generally don't appreciate just how long a time it's been since Madonna first published her coffee table book "Sex".

The dangers of eating Heinze Spaghetti became apparent in young Timothy, when his hair and skin began to immitate the texture and colouring of the contents of the tin.

The British Council’s, "Theatre-in-Adversity", project, that attempted to use well-known Shakespearean actors alongside ordinary local people worldwide, met it's Waterloo when it over-ambitiously and rather insensitively, attempted to put on a performance of Aristophanes', "The Frogs", at Pristina, Kosovo .... to be performed in the original Greek!

At rehearsal all was going fairly well until it unexpectedly rained and chourus lead, madam Crapaudavic, a worker at the local pig slaughterhouse, decalared that it was now too wet for the frogs, and so she and all her fellow grenouilles were all going home, saying: "You can stuff yer culture - I'm getting wet!"

Fred was not too impressed with the new nipple measuring criteria the Oxford Student Union Contract Bridge Society had introduced over the summer hols.

Meles meles wrote:

The British Council’s, "Theatre-in-Adversity", project, that attempted to use well-known Shakespearean actors alongside ordinary local people worldwide, met it's Waterloo when it over-ambitiously and rather insensitively, attempted to put on a performance of Aristophanes', "The Frogs", at Pristina, Kosovo .... to be performed in the original Greek!

At rehearsal all was going fairly well until it unexpectedly rained and chourus lead, madam Crapaudavic, a worker at the local pig slaughterhouse, decalared that it was now too wet for the frogs, and so she and all her fellow grenouilles were all going home, saying: "You can stuff yer culture - I'm getting wet!"

That's your best one yet, MM.

"Madam Crapaudavic, a worker at the local pig slaughterhouse"...    

Interrupting thread - sorry.

nordmann wrote:

Mrs Maria Josephus made the Guiness Book of Records when she gave birth to the most developed child in history on Saturday evening.

Mrs Betty Cheebles of Gosport patiently explains from within her vehicle that it doesn't even look like a Ford Anglia. "I suppose dementors - god bless 'em - aren't big fans of Top Gear," she later explained cheerfully to officers of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.

MISSING PERSON - 50yr old male caucasian wrestler known as His Enormousness was last seen attempting to evade capture by a group of amorous female fans. Relatives are concerned for his physical and mental well being and ask anyone who has information to please step forward.

ID wrote:

MISSING PERSON - 50yr old male caucasian wrestler known as His Enormousness was last seen attempting to evade capture by a group of amorous female fans. Relatives are concerned for his physical and mental well being and ask anyone who has information to please step forward.

 
 Are they meant to be us, ID - from left to right: Islanddawn /Minette/MadNan/Caro/Temperance/ferval/Priscilla? Actually we look as though we are trying to pull the poor lad's teeth out.

I can't see your latest picture - no cross in box either. Is it my computer, or has your picture not "taken"?

EDIT: LiR - you are taking the picture!

I hadn't thought of thatTemp. 

I can see the pic on my pc, but if you can't see it then others won't be able to either. Don't worry this has happened before, I'll just change it.

Islanddawn wrote:

Little Andrea became very thoughtful as she contemplated her mother's example that a woman should always be flexible, should regularly tie herself in knots and, above all, should always remember to smile nicely for the gentlemen.

Showbusiness news: The 1954 Annual Snot-Bubble prize has gone yet again to husband and wife duo Jim and Hilda Muggleworth of Cleethorpes, Lincolnshire.

The Ministry of Defense's programme of issuing 1kg of spinach a day per person is specifically aimed at strengthening the members of the British Armed Forces. As the above photograph reveals, the drive is showing the first signs of success.

Millicent and Hortense Smythe-Willington's collection of debutantes, by the time of their eventual arrest, amounted to an impressive 83 specimens pinned and framed in appropriately sized display cabinets at their Bexhill Upon Sea home. Even arresting officer DI Blakeley afforded the two sisters some professional respect, especially given the crudity of their capture technique.

The masked and armed man who robbed the National Bank on Main Street yesterday afternoon, terrorising staff and customers, has so far evaded capture by police despite a most concerted effort by officers to locate and arrest the thief.