Mortimer, the third duke's marmoset, never shirked his responsibilities when it came to being his master's most respected literary critic. His habit of wiping his arse with doggerel which did not meet his exacting criteria might have appeared crude, but the aspirant poet was (as seen above) grateful for the creature's hard, yet honest, assessment of his output.

Critics of doctor Escubius said he was an incompetant quack who couldn't tell his arse from his elbow ... but he soon won over the Parisian nouveau riche by treating their cases of clerics' knee and jousters' arm with his alternative therapy and his catchy phrase: "L'irrigation colonique - 'tis definitely not to be sniffed at!"

Benito slid the note over to his friend as surreptitiously as he could so as not to alert their colleague.

"You thinka what you wanna, Adolf my compiso" Hitler read, "but if that's Stalin then I'm a monkey's sciaquadella!"

In 1942 Pampers' new "Superabsorpants" were marketed as a real time-saver for the working wartime mum as they could be left on so much longer than regular nappies. Mavis Enderby of Lincoln with her twin boys won the national Pampers', "How Much Can They Take?" competition after a full two weeks with unchanged Superabsorpants, .... but even she admitted they were reaching their limit.

Sorry crossed posts.

Who said to tie the reins round my ankles while changing a tyre? Not only am I now on my arse but the damn jack hit me on the head and is tangled in my lovely curls.

It was Martin Luther who started the unfortunate Reformation tradition of sending silly turd pictures to your opponent in theological debate.

Luther's Refutation of Erasmus's Diatribe on Free Will, for example, began conventionally enough: "To the Venerable Master Erasmus of Rotterdam, Martin Luther wishes Grace and Peace in Christ." He then continued, "Oh, sod all that, Erasmus, this is what I really think of your crappy Diatribe. Sorry. M.L."

EDIT: Luther, More and Co. really did enjoy scatological insults. Melvyn Bragg had to apologise (on his recent William Tyndale programme) for reading out some of the things Thomas More wrote. "Sh*t was one of the saint's favourite words.

An alternative tennis picture - can't quite read the date. I thought at first it was another Scot, but it's James, Duke of York who was an Englishman; he was born in London. So he probably lost the match.

The origin of the phrase "New balls, please".

Throughout July 1940 Bunty and the girls spent every tea break on the roof of Thompsons Textiles practising their interpretation of the Parisian Apache dance, ready to give a real Wigan welcome when the anticipated company of evacuated Free French soldiers finally arrived.

Ladies Beatrice and Hortense's hair-raising trick was very popular with the local peasantry every annual fete day, especially with the men, they had noticed. Pappa, for some reason, did not approve.

Peaseblossom: "Hurry up Cobweb! The 40 minutes are nearly up and Robin 'Puck' Goodfellow will soon be back from putting a girdle around the earth. As usual he'll be wanting some refreshing apricot bubbles to quench his thirst after his work. Let's not disappoint him. And, Moth, no snitching."

Jerusalem's lesser known "Wailing Picket Fence" was a popular tourist destination for visiting Jews with stone allergies (picture taken just prior to its unfortunate infestation by British woodworm after the infamous Balfour Beetle Declaration of 1917).

Anthony was mortified when his lovely sunflower was immediately disqualified from the "What-a-Whopper!" section at the village fete flower 'n' veg competition. It was alleged he had used Miracle Gro (a lurid green chemical soup mix not allowed to force-feed entries) on his bloom. He had; but he wasn't going to admit it to anyone.

In revenge he slyly pulled the flower off the end of the vicar's prize cucumber when no one was looking, thus ensuring disqualification for that entry too.

PS The bit about pulling the flower off the cucumber is true. Strange things happen at Devon village fetes.

Smithy Wayland and his boys were just about to start on the lucrative 'Excalibur' commission, when that annoying sprite Elfon Sayftie turned up again, wittering on about safety sandals, eye protection, correct lifting posture, and the dangers of hot embers in loose loin cloths.

Sorry to be a bit slow but I had a blocked toilet which was demanding urgent attention. Although thankfully once I was up to the elbow in the problem it was nothing more serious nor more substantial than a few soggy Wet-wipes and Kleenex.



So, to continue:

The standard dress code for the forthcoming International Pocket Billiards Winter Games is modelled by last year's champion.

The Tuesday afternoon meetings of the Haarlem Swingers Club were tribulation enough for a poor mutt to bear, but when Rover saw the cat-basket arriving he knew it was now time to leave.

Manfred demonstrates the very latest in hands off phone technology, the i-ear.  No need for pressing pesky buttons to send/receive messages or photos anymore, as everything is automatically relayed straight to the brain.

Not recommended for use on windy days, unless indoors.

Oi! Missus! Where's me horses? You frightened 'em off!

For once I am left speechless.

Add adventure into your life with Gaytop!

Especially designed for you to enjoy that table top experience.

And check out our new cushioned top design. For those who insist on the little comforts in life..

When Cio-Cio San discovered that that cad Pinkerton had got married, she immediately updated her facebook status to 'single'.

We have the rest of the Elephant stored in the freezer.

George Klackenheim, pastor of Buttburg, Illinois, had given fervent praise to the good Lord that his strict regime of prayer, psalms and Ovaltine had finally achieved the desired effect on his wayward son and that the boy had turned his back on the demons of drink, drugs and girls.

But the next morning he was in for a shocking surprise.....

"Oh, let's go to the ice-cream van and get a couple of 99 Flakes," suggested Cynthia.

"Yes, do let's," agreed her pal, Belinda. "The boys are going to argue  for ages with Mental Melv about how Thomas Aquinas's sapiential eschatology makes it quite clear that the trials of the end time are not the final act in the drama of human history, but simply the birth pangs heralding the eternal consummation of the universe and human history into the Kingdom of God. We've heard it all a million times before. But I think I'll have a Cornetto, not a 99, Cyn - not nearly so fattening!"

"It is if you have a Choc 'n' Nut one, B. - over 315 calories! Why not have a Nobbly Bobbly instead?"

"I think I will."

Mary used all her powers of feminine persuasion to cajole hubby Frederick to fill the urine sample bottle Doctor Everard had requested. A tall order it might be, but she knew he had it in him!

Recently unearthed in an attic of a remote and abandoned castle in Transylvania, this 17th C painting is the first concrete evidence we have that Vampires actually do exist.