Oh God, this dates me but:

Since the price of milk was so poor, the Archers decided to turn Brookfield into a safari park. Grace made a start on the zebras while Dan considered how to turn the pigs into lions.

When Trevor's anaconda, "Tiny", escaped from its box, everyone cleared the area as rapidly as possible and by whatever means available.

Brother Ambrose: Your abbotnesss, may I present our new novitiate, Brother Orchitis.
Brother Myopia: Welcome Orchitis, and what a lovely name you have chosen. Whatever inspired you to adopt it?

Sorry for removing the original picture, MM (it was one of Henry VIII being nagged at by Katherine Parr), but at least you have had the chance to produce two very witty captions ( I also very much liked the annnnnnaconda one). The picture is reproduced below:



I'm very worried about that lady's handbag in the picture above: while the old dears are sniggering about Mabel's giant 99, some opportunistic thief is bound to snatch it (the handbag, that is) and run off with her pension (and her Smartphone).

It's not really a 99, Temp, no flake, but that's given me an idea......


So then Mabel wished for a super soixante neuf but the fairy godmother's French was a bit rusty.

Honestly, ferval - whatever next?  

That thought never crossed my mind. I was too busy worrying about poor Brother Didymitis who was forced to change his name after cruel tauntings and abuse from others in the monastery.

This thread is getting rude and shocking. I'm going into my garden to weed.

OK, what about just weird?

                                                               

Stool planting in the Little Snoring Post Traumatic Stress Rehabilitation Home, Norfolk, was considerably speeded up after local inventor Hildebrand "Hop-Along" De Blancbaston announced his new invention, the "Traverse Stool Inseminare" in 1275.

As the photograph shows, conclusive proof that Santa Claus and his reindeer do indeed exist.

ID, your picture isn't showing up on my machine.

I'm so glad you've captioned that one, I might have further sullied my reputation by finding it impossible to resist some variation on horny.

Is that one any better? They show up on my pc, so I can't tell if they are any good or not.

ZyziPng and QrxMctl were too polite to mention to their earthling friend that fiddling with one's nippletrons was considered just plain rude in more refined star systems. He already had it bad enough, they reckoned, what with having a caterpillar living on his upper lip.

"Christ, that McWhirter has been doodling again," thought Father Dolan. "Just wait till I get hold of the little b*stard: I'll give him a thrashing he won't forget."

He did, and McWhirter never forgot.

Mc Whirter planned his next titty Jesus prank with much more aforethought.

"Yup they're leaking again. That's the last time I get a boob job done by a cosmetick-chiurgian! Next time I'm going to the Guild of Taxidermists, Haggis Stuffers, and Pouffe Makers ... they're much cheaper you know. And now my love, had you considered a small nip-and-tuck on that belly of yours?".

A frisky Josef: "Hey! It rolled that way, Mein Fuhrer!"

A man trying to write something bombastic for his forthcoming speech at his niece's wedding: "Halt den Mund, Goebbels, du Hurensohn! And vei i Hölle talk you so hoch getönten these days?!"

(Goering's were reputedly small)

In 1943 MI6's master of subterfuge, Commander Graham Lysse, aka Gladys, came literally within inches of assassinating the Fuhrer. But at the last moment he was betrayed by own disguise  ... he'd waxed his legs with almond-flavour 'Intimat' depilatory cream, but as Reich Minister Goebbels hastily pointed out, this particular product line was still only available to US forces.

Just to keep the wacky WW2 theme rolling a tad longer...

"Well, my good man, and where did you start this war?"

"P-p-please, Ma'am, I didn't start it!"




Sorry, I don't have any pictures, so MM, please carry on.

Royalty eh, Nielsen! Obviously the Danish Royals speak much the same anodyne platitudes as the British ones. But then I suppose they are all the same family really.

I thought someone might have picked up that Princess Elizabeth seems to have just released a mongoose up her mummy's back but hey ho ... so let's change tack a bit:

Fridays in Teletubby land - that's when things got REALLY bloody weird!

The provision of a pianist (with piano) in their NHS minicab was much appreciated by all attending the Choreomania Out-Patients Clinic at the Priory in North London.

Jake: "Oi tells yuh, Bess me lassie, thun thar's one roit powerful coider! Oi feels a warm glow already creepin' over me nethers, Oi don't mind tellin' yuh!"

Bess: "(resigned sigh with thoughts of wash-day) Best yuh use the privy thar yonder so, Jake."

The one on the far left looks like me at aerobics. Sorry for breaking the flow, but I can't stop laughing. Why is Jane Fonda's dad wearing a bra?

PS I bet MM comes up with a cracker for this one - no pressure, MM!

Sorry to be a disappointment Temp, but not MM.

The front page of The Daily Prophet featured the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizadry class of 1925 annual reunion and knees up on the school grounds. As shown it is obvious that these witches still have what it takes!

"Knitting, Mabel?" I said, "knitting? Why go to all that bother when you can just wear the whole bloody sheep!" I said. "Isn't that right, Henry? Henry darling! I said isn't that right, Henry?"

" And weighing in at 185 pounds, 4 ounces...... the challenger..... Brian " the Mad Mayor" Wilson"

The Beach Volleyball event at the 1936 Olympics, here seen at the event's opening, unfortunately had to be cancelled a short way in when the entire particpants' sense of humour disastrously collapsed, killing several spectators' interest outright.

Lije Bayley left Daneel to listen to his wife's incessant chatter whilst he went down the Automaton's Arms to get ratted - he knew that as long as Daneel said "yes" whenever she paused for breath, she would never notice.

Fred's wife thought he said he was buying a twosie, so she expected some cosy evenings in, just like this happy pair.

                 

ferval wrote:

Fred's wife thought he said he was buying a twosie, so she expected some cosy evenings in, just like this happy pair.

                 

One bright morning in the middle of the night,Two dead boys got up to fight.Back-to-back they faced one another,Drew their swords and shot each other.One was blind and the other couldn't see,So they chose a dummy for a referee.A blind man went to see fair play,A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"A deaf policeman heard the noise,And came and killed those two dead boys.A paralyzed donkey walking by,Kicked the copper in the eye,Sent him through a rubber wall,Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.(If you don't believe this lie is true,Ask the blind man -- he saw it too!)
(this is not a caption, just the piccy remided me of it)

Admission to Georgetown Preparatory School, the only Jesuit all-boys Catholic boarding school in the USA, became noticeably less stringent in the 1950s. Here Mort Linklater III and his fellow 9th Grade monitor Alduous P. Wright IV discuss the feasibility of allowing new freshman Isaac Cohen out of the quarantine chamber just two weeks after their new "chum's" arrival. Boy, can't you just see how excited Mort and Aldie are at the prospects of meeting their new Jew-boy classmate!